Some days are…harder than others and this has been one of them.
The funny thing to me is I know a handful of years I would have rolled my eyes if I had described this as being hard because compared to so many others it falls short in difficulty.
But time chips away at us, wearing parts thin while hardening others and today hit a thinner place. Had I so desired I could have chosen to let anger wash over and through me because I could wear it as a shield, but I didn’t feel like it.
I am too damn old for some of this and too damn young to give up so I don’t. I go looking for the places, spaces, people and music/videos that help me ride the waves.
There is a clip from Endgame that has a half dozen bits that fire me up just enough to make things work and remind me all it takes is a small break and I’ll be good.
Two comments regarding that, if you intend on seeing Endgame don’t watch the clip because it is not well done and it will spoil things for you.
The second comment is directed at those who don’t like action movies. This particular movie works because of the characters and their relationships.
When you can relate and feel for characters everything changes, but that is life in general, feelings for others change everything.
There was a recent moment when one almost 15 year-old girl and her almost 18.5 year-old brother were united in their anger towards their own father, you know the guy writing about himself in the third-person.
It was fine, because they had pressed all of my buttons and found several I didn’t know were in existence.
For a moment I wondered if ripping the closet door off of the hinges and breaking it over my leg would properly illustrate they had managed to push me right past anger to white hot rage.
Not the kind where you act without thinking but the one where you get quiet and the world stops moving around you because you are focused on becoming the greatest super villain ever seen and are planning your big move.
And then they broke the spell by arguing about a moment in Endgame.
Little sister was thrilled by the moment when the women took center stage and took the fight to the men.
She is not a fan of the damsel in distress and liked seeing women with agency and authority.
Her brother has no problem with strong women, but felt like that scene was unnatural and forced upon the viewer.
And me, well I saw two teenagers turn back the clock 10,000 years and remembered the toddlers and babies they were.
Brother Pablo joined me on the treadmill today.
We talked about life and our favorite quotes and thoughts and then I told him a few secrets and he asked me about my intentions.
I told him of my frustration and my optimism, explained how very far and yet how very close I am to making some things happened.
Told him I don’t want to live like I am going to die tomorrow but I don’t want to live as as I have forever either because I don’t.
If I knew with certainty when that final day will be I would make some changes but not knowing, well that makes me a bit more conservative in some changes.
So I stand upon the seesaw and try to determine which way to lean knowing I’ll never have the balance I want but maybe I’ll find the one I need.
Got a big day tomorrow, let’s see if we can turn it into what we want, or at least what we need.
Open hands, open heart, jump off of the cliff and learn to fly.