Three big things happened last week that were almost immediately followed by the equivalent of 831,968 paper cuts which caused blood to shoot out of my nose and laser beams from my eyes.
It is an odd combination, the blood from the nose and the laser beams from my eyes and I suppose it is possible it is part of the reason my body decided the morning was best spent in the small office.
Consequently my ability to shrug some stuff off and compartmentalize has been compromised and I am none too happy about it because it has made it harder to pick things apart and take them in on bite sized pieces.
What bothers me the most about is the amount of energy I have wasted on people and things not deserving of my time. I HATE giving free rent in my head and I am annoyed with myself about fussing about things that can’t be dealt with before Monday.
Somewhere dad and grandpa Wilner are both reminding me that all can you do is your best and then live with the results.
When it comes to one particular situation I improved in every area but fell a little bit short and that is a significant part of why I am pissed off because of two situations tied into it.
The lack of details and specificity is intentional as I think too many details could potentially create issues that I prefer not to encounter.
As we prepare to head into a new paragraph I am going to remind you if you think a blog post is all about you there is a damn good chance you are wrong.
Furthermore if I want you to know something I will spell it out in details you cannot miss. I’d quote Carly Simon but you know those copyright laws.
Building Castles Out Of Sand & Air
There are moments where friends and family share comments about grief and their ideas about how things ought to go and I shake my head because they have two parents and don’t understand what the hell they are talking about.
I rarely engage because I don’t blame them for not appreciating the loss the way those who have walked this path do and I find it distasteful to say things like ‘you don’t understand.’
When people hit me with that I always want to dig deeper. I ask for an explanation with facts and information so that I can better understand and have a more intelligent conversation.
But the facts here aren’t constructed in a way where logic can be applied and used as a primary tool.
During a discussion with someone who asked why I seemed so fired up I said “My dad is dead” and left it at that.
They asked if it was easier to say he passed and I shook my head. I understand ‘passed’ is the euphemism they and others use to deal with death, but I prefer the real word.
Passed doesn’t have the same finality and I want precision here. Dead is harsh, but I feel better using it and so much of this is about feelings.
Feelings aren’t logical. They aren’t designed to be. Ask me why I love someone or why others love and they can provide a certain amount of detail/fact but it is never just one thing.
You don’t turn it on and off, at least not in my world.
If I am going to build castles they aren’t going to be made out of air or sand.
There might be as many as forty boxes of books in the garage or it might be more. I am the guy who used to go to the library and borrow a dozen books at a time and I generally read them all.
I don’t do it as often as I used to but I still try to hit the library with some frequency.
The only way I know to live means living with an insatiable curiosity about many things. Some are trivial and some are less so.
Time constraints have impacted my library visits but I read a ton of different things online and listen to books in the car. It ranges from how deep the ocean is to topics on astrophysics, D-Day, world history and sports.
I find it challenging to understand how some people never read nor spend any sort of time thinking.
I wonder what they do to stimulate their minds and question whether they ever question life.
Granted the world is filled with people who approach life differently and that is good because it would be dull if we were all the same, but damn, I just don’t understand how you can say you go without ever asking why.
As fifty comes closer and closer I spend more time thinking about what I want to do for my big birthday and what I want out of life.
One of the guys said I ought to spend more time figuring out how to protect what I have and not get lost trying to grow.
“What you call growth is a midlife crisis. Be happy with what you have and protect it.”
“Brother, that may work for you but it is not me. People change and what we once required is no longer a demand or even a desire. I might die tomorrow or I might live 50 more years.
Though I can’t say in 5 years where I’ll be, what I’ll be doing and who I’ll be doing it with with absolute certainty I can say I am aiming for the 50. Statistically speaking I have at least another 25 and you know I never accept limits at face value so I might as well be prepared to adjust.”
There was a solid pause while he took in what I said followed by some comments about how he thought I should approach things.
“You don’t have to live as I do or dream like I do but don’t try to tell me about certain challenges that I have already lived through because you haven’t.
You have lived in your house for close to 20 years. That is great, but you don’t know about having to make changes the way I have had to. You don’t know about a bunch of this so I can’t take you seriously. You haven’t lived some of these things and I have.
Do us a favor and let it go.”
He wasn’t particularly happy with me but it needed to be said because I haven’t any patience for that kind of nonsense.
This big blue marble we live on offers a million places to visit and experience. There are stories waiting to be discovered, told and experienced.
I can’t sit back and act like life is over and that there is only one way to roll.
Can’t say my career will stay exactly the same as it is now. It might, but it might not.
Give me people who want to open the world and not those who want to shrink or close it.